You know I believe it

Rob Bell & U2, my kindred spirits

U2 is my hubby’s favorite band of all time.  I’ve grown to love their music almost as much as he does.  I’ve seen U2 twice in concert and not only do I think they’re amazing musicians I believe they’re phenomenal people. My favorite songs are Pride (In the name of love) and New Year’s Day. I also love Beautiful Day and the lesser known Wild Honey. But it’s their song I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For that I find haunting. If Bono’s still searching and he’s the honorable human being than he is, I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad.

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

My journey, up until I turned 30, almost 4 years ago, had been made up of checklists and shoulds and should nots.  Once I had children my list of checks reduced dramatically and the lines between the shoulds and the should nots blurred. My desire to be with God or to understand him never decreased however. It’s just that my understanding of meaning and life and grace became more challenging. What is grace anyway? Isn’t it supposed to be unconditional love, redemptive love despite our wretched circumstances? That’s the love I have for my kids…that’s what I want to believe God has for me…but I’m not quite sure that’s what I’ve been taught all these years.

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

That is the truth: I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Last nite Dave and I and a few of our close friends had the amazing privilege of hearing pastor and author Rob Bell speak. Rob’s freaking amazing. Not only did Rob give an amazing talk about creativity and pain and suffering but I got to meet him afterwards.  I introduced myself and told him about our home group and how we listened to and studied the Beatitudes along with Rob and his church.  I told him that his 3 part series on forgiveness was life changing for me.  He signed my books and we took pictures.  He’s SO cool!

Before the night began Gary Mo asked my friends and I what we expected from the night.  My friend Autumn, who’s a photographer and artist, said she was hoping for inspiration.  I thought to myself “That’s for sure!” Meaning: me.  I’m still looking for inspiration. But why? Haven’t I been told all these years that I’ve found what I’m looking for and I should no longer be looking? After all I did recite the sinner’s prayer…

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

My children provide so many things for me.  They are beauty and humor and hope. They are love and compassion and clarity. They are acceptance and affection and peace. I understand so much because I have birthed them and I have hurt for them and I have been angry with them. I thank God for this experience.  I thank God they are healthy and that my relationship with their dad is spot-on.  I thank him that our home is tranquil. And yet with so much to be content with I am not. I am at unrest. I continue to search for my shalom.

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I’m not sure people freely admit that as contented as they are there is still void.  I’m not sure where the courage for me to admit this is coming from. But I’m not afraid. Maybe it’s the confidence from my kids and from my husband that allows me to hold up my sign that says “No more Christian status quo!” (Maybe it’s because I don’t think many people will read this! But even if they do) I will remain confident that my doubts and frustrations and w0nderings will not speak for my character or my sanity or my level of faith just because I admit these things. I will find freedom in admitting I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I’m still running

Don’t mistake my discontent with despair. It certainly is not. I’m still running, after all. My hope is in Christ. My hope is that when my journey does end, and I am with God, I will indeed have found what I’m looking for.  But I’m not there yet! And so it’s OK to admit that even thought I profess Christ I’m still looking for something more. I am not at peace within my soul because I am in this world.

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
You know I believed it

Ah, the Cross.  The ultimate gift. The deliverance of my personal shame. I cannot with words adequately describe how grateful I am for each of these things. I believe the story of forgiveness is the most beautiful story ever told. I will repeat this message over and over to my spouse, to my children, to my parents, to my sisters, to my friends. I have been redeemed and reconciled. I have joy that is complete and I have peace that surpasses all understanding. And yet in my redemption, in my reconciliation, in my joy and in my peace…

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Thank you Rob Bell & Bono. I know I’m not alone.

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