My Danielle

Just like mommy

What better way to begin my first blog session on our new website than to write about my baby girl.

My Danielle. Let me tell you a little bit about my 4-1/2 year old daughter.  Danielle has beautiful brown eyes (if I remember correctly the color of her great-grandma Phyllis) with long dark lashes to match.  Her hair is blonde and long and curly.  None of my other children have had blonde hair, but Danielle does and it’s beautiful (her hair matches her cousin Edie’s so we know it’s in the genes).  Danielle’s feet and hands are long and slender.  Her feet tell me she’ll be tall and her fingers show her potential to be a wonderful piano player.  Sometimes we call her Dani and sometimes she can be a little clumsy.  Her favorite things are her stuffed horsey “Lovey”, the wand her Teetee gave her, her hand-me-down pink hula skirt and her pink tutu.  Danielle is the best helper, has a great imagination and loves her brothers.  She’s loves to serve and often brings me imaginary treats and tea on her purple serving tray.  She’s completely girlie (complete with currently purple painted finger nails) and is the picturesque 4 year old girl: dancing, twirling, spinning, smiling, giggling. Amidst the girlie-ness she can wrestle with her big brother 6-1/2 year old Luke any day of the week.

When Danielle was born I was in shock.  A girl.  So far as I knew Wilkins men only birthed boys.  But here I was with Danielle Christine, her name means “God is my judge, Like Christ”.  The very girl that Grandma Phyllis requested in our wedding video 8 years before.  (Sadly, Grandma never had a chance to meet Dani-Do.)  Eventually the idea of a daughter settled in, what other choice would I have but to raise this precious girl, and gladly I would.  But I also panicked a little bit.  It occurred to me that I wasn’t just going to be her mom I was going to be her role model; her model for all things motherly and feminine and spiritual.  Maybe you think it was odd that I had not thought of this possibility prior to the birth of my second child, but remember new moms are usually working on mommy brains and can think only so far ahead after labor, delivery, and sleepless nights.  Having had mommy brain for the prior 2 years before Dani was born I was kind of out of sorts when she came along.

I remember this particular warm winter day, driving along with windows down in our green Escort station wagon.  My husband Dave at the wheel, I’m in the back with my newest baby.  Front to back Dave and I discuss what having a daughter means to me, the mother.  I stress about who I am, the things I do, the things I SAY.  How, I ask Dave, am I supposed to mother this little girl?  I mean sure she’s just a baby now, an infant, a newborn in fact, but what about when she gets big and she starts to figure things out.  Do I really want her to be that little girl that wants to be “just like mommy”? I don’t even know if *I* want to be just like me!

I think about my inadequacies a lot and generally I’m okay with them.  I’m just like everybody else, I’ve got my personality flaws and my character flaws.  My personality flaws are annoying (like double checking) and my character flaws are at the heart of my being (like judgment and forgiveness).  When Danielle was born I found myself at a crossroads.  For I thought that there would be only one way for Dani to grow up unscathed by my flaws and that would be for me to lie about who I was.  I yell to Dave in the front seat, barking over the wind, “Can’t I just pretend I’m someone I’m not? Can’t I just be two different people? The real Candice and the mom I think Dani needs me to be?”   Maybe deep down I knew I couldn’t *not* be me, and Dan may just need to deal with that.  But could I also become the person she needed me to be, if I already wasn’t that person? I was confused.  Sadly, I was already disappointed in myself as a mother to a daughter.

To be honest, the activities of daily living (ADLs as my Cousin Celia calls them) — the breastfeeding, the diapers, the 2 year old son — didn’t give me much more time than the car ride to think about what kind of mother to Danielle I would be.  I just did it.  I was just me.  Looking back, I’m glad the ADLs stopped me at the crossroads.  I see that over the past 4-1/2 years I’ve actually been quite happy to be me and I think Dani is too.  Sometimes I use language that is inappropriate and I apologize.  But sometimes I use it when it’s necessary and eventually I’ll explain the difference to my daughter. She may need to do the same one day, and if not that’s what’ll send her to therapy. But what kind of mom would I be if my daughter didn’t eventually look forward to therapy?!

My daughter is one of the most amazing people I know.  I cannot believe I have been gifted one such as she.  She loves animals and so I regularly suggest to her that she become a zoologist.  I have so much hope for her. I pray for her to be healthy and to find love, to stay close with her brothers and to always know the strength of her daddy’s arms.  I also pray for a good man for her to marry that will absolutely cherish her as Dave and I do now.

When I last discussed Dani’s future career in zoology with her, she just kind of giggled and shook her head.  I said, “Well then Danielle what what do you want to be when you grow up?”  She didn’t miss a beat: “I want to be a mommy just like you.”

Thank you for reading.  May God bless you today.

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4 Responses to “My Danielle”

1. Kate Says:
   October 22nd, 2009 at 1:04 pm

   WONDERFUL!!!! You are an inspirational mom, not just to your children, but to other moms and moms-to-be!! Love ya!

2. Lacey Says:
   October 22nd, 2009 at 1:39 pm

   Sis, This is beautiful. Those pics of out Dani are just amazing.
   Good job sis- keep up the good work.
   –Lace
   (TeeTee)

3. sarah Says:
   October 22nd, 2009 at 8:31 pm

   Great pictures!!

4. Haley Says:
   August 4th, 2010 at 9:00 am

   This was such a sweet post to read. Thank you for this.

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