How did the time go so fast?

and Am I really this old?

My oldest son Luke’s last day of first grade was Thursday. It was a moving end to what was a wonderful first grade year. We loved our teacher, Ms. Tashiro. She was smart, kind, inspiring, she loves God and she taught Lukey to fear HFCS and Blue Dye #4. (HCFS = high fructose corn syrup, and I may not have the blue dye number quite right but you get the point.) Fifteen minutes before the final bell rang on June 10th Ms. Tashiro gave 16 of the most adorable first graders a moving and emotional pep talk for life: “I’ll always be here if you need me, you can do anything you want to, you were meant for something special.” It might as well have been a graduation speech; it was phenomenal. Sure Luke might just hear this pep talk once a week or so, but my guess is that most of the kids don’t. Ms. Tashiro’s deep love for her students goes beyond academics, it shoots straight to their hearts. She has a ministry, and I’m honored that my son was a recipient of her love and guidance.

Processing life with a second grader and a kindergartner (come Fall) is challenging. Many things run through my mind. Mostly: How did the time go so fast? and Am I really this old? SIGH It seems like only yesterday my oldest was born, but the truth is seven and a half years have passed, he’s a big second grader and my second child, my baby girl, is 5 and ready for Kinder. Only my baby boy (”I’m not a baby, I’m Grant!”) remains at home. How did this happen? I’m quietly learning time does not stop. Time does not hold still. Time does not slow down. In fact…It speeds up.

This journey I’ve been on, this journey called motherhood, is shaping me like I never thought it would. Like I would have never imagined. The thing is I’m not just learning about my children, I’m not just learning about me, I’m learning about humanity. On the last day of school I ran into a mom whose son had been in Luke’s Kinder class, she was teary eyed and said to me “I can’t believe they’re growing up so fast.” I’ve judged this mom quite a bit, unfortunately (and in sin), because her son had some behavior challenges, but what I learned on that last day of school was that this mother is really no different than me. Sure we might have different parenting styles, and even different values. But when it comes down to it she’s just a mom who loves her son. The thought of her boy moving from first to second grade depresses her as it does me. And so I asked God to forgive me, and to please continue to purge me of this disgusting yuck called judgment.

What I hope one day to report to my children is that the journey of motherhood was not only about them, or about me, but that it was about learning to love people better. I hope I can tell them about my sin, my judgment and the ways in which God grew me through all of that. I look forward to telling them how difficult it was for me to watch them get big. But that there was no greater honor for me in this life than doing just that.

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Return to God

A poem by Luke David Wilkins

Dave’s last remaining grandparent passed away a few weeks ago. His mom’s mom, Faie Holt, lived a long and full life. She was 88 years old and she had many daughters, sons in law, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Since Dave & I like to expose our children to all things real we took all three to the funeral service and had a wonderful time celebrating Grammie’s life. Dave’s mom, Charlene, wrote a poem for her mom that was read at the service. Apparently the poem inspired our 7 year old to do some writing of his own. I’d like to share with you Luke’s poem today [sic].

Return to God

By Luke David Wilkins 3/29/10

First your born.

You cam alive the first day.

You get biger and grow!

You’ll turn into a grownup.

You do things you coulnd (couldn’t) do.

And have kids.

You’ll get older and older.

Soon you’ll get older and digh.

Be happy your with lord now.

And theres no more sadness or madness.

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You know I believe it

Rob Bell & U2, my kindred spirits

U2 is my hubby’s favorite band of all time.  I’ve grown to love their music almost as much as he does.  I’ve seen U2 twice in concert and not only do I think they’re amazing musicians I believe they’re phenomenal people. My favorite songs are Pride (In the name of love) and New Year’s Day. I also love Beautiful Day and the lesser known Wild Honey. But it’s their song I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For that I find haunting. If Bono’s still searching and he’s the honorable human being than he is, I guess I shouldn’t feel too bad.

I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you

My journey, up until I turned 30, almost 4 years ago, had been made up of checklists and shoulds and should nots.  Once I had children my list of checks reduced dramatically and the lines between the shoulds and the should nots blurred. My desire to be with God or to understand him never decreased however. It’s just that my understanding of meaning and life and grace became more challenging. What is grace anyway? Isn’t it supposed to be unconditional love, redemptive love despite our wretched circumstances? That’s the love I have for my kids…that’s what I want to believe God has for me…but I’m not quite sure that’s what I’ve been taught all these years.

I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

That is the truth: I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

Last nite Dave and I and a few of our close friends had the amazing privilege of hearing pastor and author Rob Bell speak. Rob’s freaking amazing. Not only did Rob give an amazing talk about creativity and pain and suffering but I got to meet him afterwards.  I introduced myself and told him about our home group and how we listened to and studied the Beatitudes along with Rob and his church.  I told him that his 3 part series on forgiveness was life changing for me.  He signed my books and we took pictures.  He’s SO cool!

Before the night began Gary Mo asked my friends and I what we expected from the night.  My friend Autumn, who’s a photographer and artist, said she was hoping for inspiration.  I thought to myself “That’s for sure!” Meaning: me.  I’m still looking for inspiration. But why? Haven’t I been told all these years that I’ve found what I’m looking for and I should no longer be looking? After all I did recite the sinner’s prayer…

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire

My children provide so many things for me.  They are beauty and humor and hope. They are love and compassion and clarity. They are acceptance and affection and peace. I understand so much because I have birthed them and I have hurt for them and I have been angry with them. I thank God for this experience.  I thank God they are healthy and that my relationship with their dad is spot-on.  I thank him that our home is tranquil. And yet with so much to be content with I am not. I am at unrest. I continue to search for my shalom.

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I’m not sure people freely admit that as contented as they are there is still void.  I’m not sure where the courage for me to admit this is coming from. But I’m not afraid. Maybe it’s the confidence from my kids and from my husband that allows me to hold up my sign that says “No more Christian status quo!” (Maybe it’s because I don’t think many people will read this! But even if they do) I will remain confident that my doubts and frustrations and w0nderings will not speak for my character or my sanity or my level of faith just because I admit these things. I will find freedom in admitting I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…

I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes I’m still running

Don’t mistake my discontent with despair. It certainly is not. I’m still running, after all. My hope is in Christ. My hope is that when my journey does end, and I am with God, I will indeed have found what I’m looking for.  But I’m not there yet! And so it’s OK to admit that even thought I profess Christ I’m still looking for something more. I am not at peace within my soul because I am in this world.

You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
You know I believed it

Ah, the Cross.  The ultimate gift. The deliverance of my personal shame. I cannot with words adequately describe how grateful I am for each of these things. I believe the story of forgiveness is the most beautiful story ever told. I will repeat this message over and over to my spouse, to my children, to my parents, to my sisters, to my friends. I have been redeemed and reconciled. I have joy that is complete and I have peace that surpasses all understanding. And yet in my redemption, in my reconciliation, in my joy and in my peace…

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Thank you Rob Bell & Bono. I know I’m not alone.

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Happy new year!

Welcoming 2010 and hope for a wonderful new year

Finishing up the holidays is always bittersweet.  I can’t deny I’m a little bit tired of Christmas music, and having things go back to normal (probably most especially our spending) will be nice.  The new year offers new hopes, and I think everyone looks forward to those hopes come January 1st.

I think what I’ve appreciated most this holiday season is the attitude of thankfulness it has offered me since the Thanksgiving holiday. It’s like the time period of lent but for thanksgiving. Not enough can be said about having happy, healthy children or a husband who’s lucky enough to have his dream job, or a mom that continues to get to be a stay at home mom.  So much to appreciate, so much to thank God for every single day.

Even through yesterday I was feeling extra grateful; having the day at home with Dave and my kids while my extended family and friends came and went.  It was my ideal Christmas. And maybe the reality that my ideals can be experienced “for reals” is what made me (extra) emotional.

Late in the day yesterday Luke came up to me and said “Mom, 2 of my wishes DID come true!” I giggled to myself and asked Luke “Really, which ones?” He raised his fingers one at a time as he told me: “One was legos and one was a binder.” Simple little wishes for a boy with a big heart.  I appreciate Luke feeling grateful at this early age and, not only that, but they way he recognizes that the gifts aren’t something he felt entitled to but for him they were truly wishes granted.

I usually don’t make new year’s resolutions and I don’t plan to this year. I do have some goals I’d like to accomplish, certain TTDs around the house (that’s “things to do” for those of you who aren’t OCD list makers wink-wink!). I’m looking forward to my projects and to writing some more.  I haven’t made  resolutions to change nasty parts of my character because I find that I usually fail, not to mention the parts of myself that I don’t care for seem to be actually ever-changing and it seems better to be flexible throughout the year when it comes to molding my own character.  I look forward to reading more and opening my mind to the endless possibilities of our world and beyond.

No matter what goals for the new year I make for myself or my family, no matter how I see us evolving as individuals or together I find great peace in our journey for Shalom. I’m so grateful for this journey with Dave and with my close friends. And, besides, in the end I like to quote my good friend Jared  who is always quick to remind us “Spoiler alert: Jesus is the savior of all mankind!” I hope your holidays have been as lovely as mine.  Happy new year!

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My Danielle

Just like mommy

What better way to begin my first blog session on our new website than to write about my baby girl.

My Danielle. Let me tell you a little bit about my 4-1/2 year old daughter.  Danielle has beautiful brown eyes (if I remember correctly the color of her great-grandma Phyllis) with long dark lashes to match.  Her hair is blonde and long and curly.  None of my other children have had blonde hair, but Danielle does and it’s beautiful (her hair matches her cousin Edie’s so we know it’s in the genes).  Danielle’s feet and hands are long and slender.  Her feet tell me she’ll be tall and her fingers show her potential to be a wonderful piano player.  Sometimes we call her Dani and sometimes she can be a little clumsy.  Her favorite things are her stuffed horsey “Lovey”, the wand her Teetee gave her, her hand-me-down pink hula skirt and her pink tutu.  Danielle is the best helper, has a great imagination and loves her brothers.  She’s loves to serve and often brings me imaginary treats and tea on her purple serving tray.  She’s completely girlie (complete with currently purple painted finger nails) and is the picturesque 4 year old girl: dancing, twirling, spinning, smiling, giggling. Amidst the girlie-ness she can wrestle with her big brother 6-1/2 year old Luke any day of the week.

When Danielle was born I was in shock.  A girl.  So far as I knew Wilkins men only birthed boys.  But here I was with Danielle Christine, her name means “God is my judge, Like Christ”.  The very girl that Grandma Phyllis requested in our wedding video 8 years before.  (Sadly, Grandma never had a chance to meet Dani-Do.)  Eventually the idea of a daughter settled in, what other choice would I have but to raise this precious girl, and gladly I would.  But I also panicked a little bit.  It occurred to me that I wasn’t just going to be her mom I was going to be her role model; her model for all things motherly and feminine and spiritual.  Maybe you think it was odd that I had not thought of this possibility prior to the birth of my second child, but remember new moms are usually working on mommy brains and can think only so far ahead after labor, delivery, and sleepless nights.  Having had mommy brain for the prior 2 years before Dani was born I was kind of out of sorts when she came along.

I remember this particular warm winter day, driving along with windows down in our green Escort station wagon.  My husband Dave at the wheel, I’m in the back with my newest baby.  Front to back Dave and I discuss what having a daughter means to me, the mother.  I stress about who I am, the things I do, the things I SAY.  How, I ask Dave, am I supposed to mother this little girl?  I mean sure she’s just a baby now, an infant, a newborn in fact, but what about when she gets big and she starts to figure things out.  Do I really want her to be that little girl that wants to be “just like mommy”? I don’t even know if *I* want to be just like me!

I think about my inadequacies a lot and generally I’m okay with them.  I’m just like everybody else, I’ve got my personality flaws and my character flaws.  My personality flaws are annoying (like double checking) and my character flaws are at the heart of my being (like judgment and forgiveness).  When Danielle was born I found myself at a crossroads.  For I thought that there would be only one way for Dani to grow up unscathed by my flaws and that would be for me to lie about who I was.  I yell to Dave in the front seat, barking over the wind, “Can’t I just pretend I’m someone I’m not? Can’t I just be two different people? The real Candice and the mom I think Dani needs me to be?”   Maybe deep down I knew I couldn’t *not* be me, and Dan may just need to deal with that.  But could I also become the person she needed me to be, if I already wasn’t that person? I was confused.  Sadly, I was already disappointed in myself as a mother to a daughter.

To be honest, the activities of daily living (ADLs as my Cousin Celia calls them) — the breastfeeding, the diapers, the 2 year old son — didn’t give me much more time than the car ride to think about what kind of mother to Danielle I would be.  I just did it.  I was just me.  Looking back, I’m glad the ADLs stopped me at the crossroads.  I see that over the past 4-1/2 years I’ve actually been quite happy to be me and I think Dani is too.  Sometimes I use language that is inappropriate and I apologize.  But sometimes I use it when it’s necessary and eventually I’ll explain the difference to my daughter. She may need to do the same one day, and if not that’s what’ll send her to therapy. But what kind of mom would I be if my daughter didn’t eventually look forward to therapy?!

My daughter is one of the most amazing people I know.  I cannot believe I have been gifted one such as she.  She loves animals and so I regularly suggest to her that she become a zoologist.  I have so much hope for her. I pray for her to be healthy and to find love, to stay close with her brothers and to always know the strength of her daddy’s arms.  I also pray for a good man for her to marry that will absolutely cherish her as Dave and I do now.

When I last discussed Dani’s future career in zoology with her, she just kind of giggled and shook her head.  I said, “Well then Danielle what what do you want to be when you grow up?”  She didn’t miss a beat: “I want to be a mommy just like you.”

Thank you for reading.  May God bless you today.

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Blog Name

I think I’ll name my blog after my favorite movie “Lost in Translation”.  Have you seen the flick? I highly suggest you do.  I have friends who think it’s a dud, but I love it.  How does the movie title relate to my spiritual journey though? In several ways, I guess.

For starters, I wonder how much of God’s love and the communication of said love has been lost in translation, of the Bible, of the people who call themselves Christians, of the pain and suffering we experience on earth.

Secondly, (spoiler alert) if you’ve seen the movie you know that the film ends with love not fully realized.  And in so many ways our love relationship with God is like this, and will not be fully realized until we transition from this world to the next. In the meantime, we spend our days distant from one another, lovers that cannot be together.

Lastly, I just think it’s a cool title.  I’d love to be like Sophia Coppola and one day write an original screenplay like LIT, and if I did I could only hope it’d be as cool as this flick.  Until then, my dreams, and my journey.  All Lost in Translation.

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Can’s blog

an explanation and I need a name

Times like these leave me feeling stale.  Weird word to describe, yes, I agree.  Maybe uninspired would be a better word? But the point is I’m in a mood where I’ll probably waste time writing here, trying to find the most perfect words to get to my point across, trying to make sense of what I want to say with no feeling behind my words, and that, as most of you might know, is NOT me.  So I’ll spill it, as if we were having a phone conversation, with “like”s and “you know”s and all.

I’ve been blogging on MySpace for about 4 years and I’ve really enjoyed my time there.  Now it’s just kind of time to move on and do something new.  MySpace served it’s purpose, and now my focus has turned to Facebook and our own family website.  I asked myself: Why not just start blogging here and see what happens?!

I need a name for my blog though.  I want something with a spiritual connotation but certainly not cheesy or so difficult in meaning that it has to be explained.  So until I can come up with something (I’m thinking middle of the night wake up and jot it down at 3 am kind of thing) I’ll just call my thoughts and writings “Can’s blog” (borrrring!).

My spiritual journey started with a story from the book of Joel. A story of God’s people who were desolate, but because of His compassion God chose to restore His people.  He tells them in the second chapter of Joel:

²⁶ You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.

Like God’s people I was desolate. And because my friend Jamie took pity on me I confessed my sin, then God worked wonders for me and I did not feel shame.  And yes I praised the name of the Lord my God. From that moment on I have journeyed high and low, trying to find the best way to live my life for myself, for my marriage and for my children.  I do not have all the answers, sometimes I pretend to try, but I don’t, and yet I won’t stop looking.  My journey won’t end until my Father decides.  Until then, I’m here, writing, rambling, discussing, trying to figures things out.  Participate if you so choose. And if you choose not to, I’ll still like you. Wink!

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A Divergence from my Cultural Expectations

...Or, How I Can Vote for Obama, No on 8, and Still be a Christian.

It is disappointing to me that some Christians are so convinced that passing legislation to ban gay marriage deserves so much attention, energy and money. Does anyone really think that this will change the mind or heart of homosexuals to see things the way that they see them? Does anyone really think that it will follow, that if marriage is not an opportunity afforded to homosexuals, they will say to themselves, “well, I guess there is no point in being gay. I’ll choose to be straight instead.” ? What would be accomplished if this passes?

$28.2 million was reportedly spent campaigning against gay marriage. With that money, we could have built over 1800 wells in Africa, where people are dying because they don’t have drinking water. But we need signs to tell people that they should live up to supposed moral codes, from a religion to which they may or may not subscribe.

I don’t believe that we can legislate morality. No one’s heart or mind will be changed by calloused views, and laws by which they feel oppressed. We can not hold those that do not believe in biblical precepts to the same ideals that we strive to uphold.

C.S. Lewis touches on this concept in Mere Christianity. Although he discusses the issue of divorce here, the same basic idea is in play. We can not force people, through legislation, to behave as Christians. And what if we did force them to behave more as Christians (by whose definition, I’m not sure)? Isn’t God more concerned with the heart, than the following a particular code because it is mandated? I do not think this is an effective way to change hearts. Also, if we believe that Christian standards should be applied to marriage, why do we not legislate punishment for those who break the sanctity of marriage by adultery, or fine people for fornication? Are these issues less detrimental to the bonds of marriage, or are we mostly just scared of homosexuality?

It is also disappointing to me that fear has been a tactic resorted to by so many Christians, who seem to be too swept up in their culture, to challenge the assertions that are being fed to them in regard to the presidential election. I have heard so many accusations that are drastic misrepresentations of the truth, or out and out lies. Its also disconcerting to see so many people jumping to illogical extremes, creating imaginary horrific scenarios where I will be forced to change my occupation, live in a run-down, usurped bourgeois palace, and place the title of “Comrade” in front of the name of anyone I am addressing. Many of these same assertions were made in reference to the election of President Clinton, and instead of the projected socialization of this great nation,”…the average family’s base-earning went up by $7,500 per year and we operated under a balanced budget.” -quote stolen from D. Miller

This is the first time I have voted for a democratic President. This is largely due to the fact that I have subscribed in large part, to the ideal of a small government. I still favor this idea in many ways, but also realize that some governing is certainly required. The current state of the economy has borne this out, as we see the recanting of de-regulationist positions, by even the staunchest of its supporters, Alan Greenspan.

I think that it is also hypocritical to say that one is for smaller government, and then try to pass laws that encroach even more on to the rights of others. Essentially, many republicans want to have less government when it comes to their money, and more government when it comes to legislating their particular moral views. This stands in contrast to me to the life and teachings of Jesus.

People looked to Jesus to be a political revolutionary that could overthrow the oppressive government which taxed them harshly. They set traps like asking him if it was right to pay tax to Caesar. Jesus’ answer was not one that focused on anything material, but rather set our minds to more important matters of the heart, and things of eternal significance. He set the example of giving selflessly. it was not the amount of money, but the widow’s heart that was important, when she gave away her last mite. It is great privilege to live in this country. And while we enjoy great freedoms, they are not free.

My family is the beneficiary  of a government program that makes health-care affordable for us. Healthy Families is a bit of a bureaucracy, to be sure (although this year’s approval was a breeze!), but I am not sure what we would do without it. I am not a lazy person, who takes advantage of the government, as many would suggest are the normal recipients of government assistance. I am a small business owner, paying more in taxes than I ever did before (Hello self-employment!). But I wouldn’t have it any other way. My life is good. And I believe it will continue to be good.

The truth is, we live in a country where the differences between the two majority parties, though they are hyped as being vastly different, are fairly similar in comparrison to other nations. We are fortunate indeed to live in the USA. Not better than, not more right than any other country, but very fortunate. God bless America. My home sweet home.

P.S. Here is some interesting information:
http://www.matthew25.org/paf/index.htm
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/06/09/ST2008060900950.html

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